Itís not as though I need more reminders that Iím old, you know. I already have a birthday this week that involves a number thatís one number before another number I donít like very much, so thereís that. I already donít like any new music that comes out, preferring instead of recycle old playlists from like 10 years ago because of the vague familiar comfort they lend. I already have lower back pain, and I think I just donated to my college alumni association. Weird.

But Iíve got some serious old-man problems with this Apple iPhone 6 business.

In case you are Amish or dead, the short version is that there are new iPhones coming. One has a bigger screen, one has a bigger bigger screen thatís so big itís like having a small television from 1957 in your pocket. Itís like half an iPad. You could theoretically eat hors díoeuvres off this thing, except then you would get crab rangoon all over the screen, which would almost certainly void the warranty. Theyíre shiny and beautiful and gorgeous, and I donít think I want either of them in the slightest.

This is a departure for me. Historically Iíve been a huge nerd who both buys and loves Apple products because I find them to be reliably effective devices that fulfill most of the needs I OH WHO AM I KIDDING ITíS BECAUSE THEYíRE SO LOVELY. I canít even remember why I like Apple stuff, I just do, and I have for 10 years, and I ainít fixiní to change my mind now. I donít remember why I like key lime pie either, I just do, and itís not like you hear representatives from the pecan or apple pie camps calling me names because of it. (Unless they are, and I just canít hear them because their mouths are full of ice cream.)

But I donít need a television in my pocket, even one from Apple. I am a simple man, with simple pockets. I have a wallet that is like 3 mm thick, and I donít like putting things in it. Friends have made fun of me for this wallet. I am mocked regularly by people I like, but I do not care, because my pants comfort supersedes friendship, everybody knows that. Seriously, I get upset if I pick up an additional loyalty card, or go to the ATM. I got my health care card and was very much like, ďDammit, how bad do I NEED this? Someone will have a record somewhere, right? I mean, itís national health care, I can depend on some group somewhere to have an accurate record of me and my coverage, right?Ē

And a simple man does not need a bigger screen. I donít want that. The screen I have now ó which is encased by some sort of military-grade case that resists bullets, volcanoes, missiles and being dropped in toilets, I am happy to confirm ó is just fine, thanks. I do not need anything large for my purposes of emailing, texting and figuring out how to get places in unfamiliar towns. I simply do not want to carry around a giant waffle-sized object in my pocket, unless that object is an actual waffle, and even then Iíd prefer to just eat it, Iím not sure what it would be doing in my pocket.

I also like typing with one thumb, which is mostly a necessity when dealing with children, which I am often doing while messing with my phone. (Actually mostly Iím telling them ďIíM USING IT, YOU CANíT HAVE ITĒ before they burst into ugly cries and have tantrums in the middle of zoos, but the point is, I donít often have two hands to type with.) I can one-thumb type with my iPhone pretty effectively, at least in its current size. Am I gonna need two thumbs with this new thing? TWO THUMBS? WONíT SOMEBODY THINK ABOUT MY THUMBS?

I donít use this thing for videos, I donít stream the Netflix, I do not binge-watch anything. I do not need all this space, people. Stop trying to shove pixels in my face.

Jeff Vrabel also almost got a landline. He can be reached at and followed at