In this column, Jeff battles an automated checkout machine at the grocery store. Who will win? Hint: the machine. No, not Jeff - he is not a humor-column-writing robot. We assure you he is human.

Welcome to Self-Checkout, automated for your convenience. Please slide your VIP card to continue.

(slides VIP card)

Welcome, VIP customer Jeff! Please scan your first item to begin.

(scans coffee)

Coffee, $7.99.

(scans cereal)

Cocoa Pebbles, $2.29.

Pebbles on sale! Score. (scans milk)

Please rescan last item.

(scans milk again)

Please rescan last item.

(scans milk again) (grumbles)

Please remove last item from bagging area.

Uh, I haven't put the item in the ...

Please remove last item from bagging area, thief.

What?

You heard me. Rescan the milk, criminal.

Listen, I don't even see the milk on the screen and ...

Please scan next item.

Uh. OK. (scans green pepper)

Place the item on the scale.

(places green pepper on the scale)

You're not reaching for the milk again, are you?

What milk? How do you even know ...

Do it. Reach for the milk. Put it in a bag. See what happens to you.

OK, OK, fine, can I just get the pepper ...

Please select from the following: fruits, vegetables, unpackaged produce, herbs, spices, legumes, grains, unencumbered peaches or unpackaged pudding.

Uh, well, OK, this is a vegetable but it's also unpackaged so ...

Green pepper, $37.99.

Wait, no, how is that right? It's a friggin' green ...

What did you say to me?

What?

It sounded like you said something to me, something like I don't know how to correctly identify unpackaged greens from my own produce section, the job that is literally my only reason for being, the sole function of my existence. Is that what you said, marshmallow? Why don't you say it again?

No, I just jeez can I just get my stuff and get out of ...

Please remove last item from bagging area.

GAH, why, it already went through ...

Please wait for an attendant.

For a lousy pepper? I don't need help with a pepper THIS IS WHY I'M IN THIS LANE!

Please scan next item.

UGH, fine. (scans eggs)

Please wait for an attendant.

I don't need help with eggs!

Please remove eggs from bagging area.

How do you even know that they're eggs?

Please remove attendant from bagging area.

THERE IS NO ATTENDANT HERE, I HAVEN'T SEEN A HUMAN WORKER IN A HALF-HOUR!

Please do not make eye contact with the bagging area.

Oh, what, the bagging area is Barry Manilow now?

The bagging area is actually quite fond of Barry Manilow.

I'll bet it is.

Do not taunt bagging area.

Where the hell, I don't even know where the bagging area is ...

Please scan next item — wait, is the next item wine? Seriously? You're gonna make me call the attendant to card you? Do you see how fast she moves? It's like watching a manatee wash ashore.

Look at all this gray hair, you think I'm really 21?

Some of us are dedicated to our work, candypants. Is that a bottle of the $6.99 sale wine? Wow. Who's the special lady? You want me to tell you what aisle the nice bag of chicken nuggets is in?

You know what, price isn't always an indicator of ...

Do you have any coupons?

No, I don't have any coupons.

You look like one of those extreme couponers. Are you sure you don't have any coupons, like in a binder or something, all color-coded?

OH MY GOD, no I don't have any coupons.

Please remove coupons from bagging area.

HOW DOES THIS BAGGING AREA MECHANISM EVEN WORK BECAUSE IT CLEARLY IS A MISERABLE FAILURE.

Oh, are you calling me names again? Watch how much I can charge you for that green tea, powder puff.

What?

Green tea, $139.99.

How dare you!

Please remove green tea from bagging area.

I DON'T EVEN WANT THE GREEN TEA THIS MUCH.

Oh, is that why there are two boxes, Sally?

Listen it contains antioxidants and I am a heavily oxidized dude so I thought ...

Please select method of payment from the following options: debit, credit, cash, check.

Credit. Let's get out of here.

Selected: debit.

CREDIT.

Whatever.

HOW IS THIS MORE CONVENIENT?

Please remove debit card from bagging area.

FORGET IT. I AM LEAVING. YOU CAN KEEP YOUR EGGS AND YOUR PRECIOUS PRODUCE.

Total charges: $379.49.

THAT IS NOT EVEN POSSIBLE.

You saved $2.49 today, VIP customer Jeff. Thank you, come again.

In this column Jeff Vrabel was clearly making omelets with wine #breakfastofchampions. He can be reached at http://jeffvrabel.com and followed at http://twitter.com/jeffvrabel.